This title came to my head, unbidden, as I sat through a deathly-stupor-inducing "Induction"
After all the hype, hoopla and general confusion that is a big part of my life usually, I finally, (somewhat unenthusiastically) began to get adjusted to being "employed" again.
So, the induction happened. At this supposedly super retailer's super organisation that is going HOT in India! (not my words, I have completely different views on the matter).
And, as always, rather than really listening to the speaker, I gave my whole and undivided attention at observing everybody from my super vantage point at the very back of the room. If it was up to me, believe me, the girl in the Green Salwar would get brownie points for nodding her head oh-so enthusiastically and looking earnest for about 8 hours without ever looking tired with the effort! Wonder what was running in her head...the terrible lunch? her green dupatta...? boyfriend??? Her phone kept vibrating annoyingly, disturbing my keen observations. Must be boyfriend, girls don't generally text back furiously if not involved romantically.
Back to the topic. The woman, an extremely beautiful one, with an IIM tag to boot (bloody!!) was going on and on and on....about how LUCKY we are to be in THIS country (A Raja is too) at THIS time of booming economy and great development (Bhimmamma, domestic help extraordinaire, would run after her, broomstick in hand) and with the wonderful opportunity to work for THIS company!!!! (sigh.) And that's when my mind went, she earns big bucks, for spewing bullshit. THAT is the job I want, then. I can spew bullshit! That, and how I'm collecting wonderful fodder for the blog. (Note : Unemployment bad for blogging. Cynicism towards Employer good for blogging) They must've mistaken that deadly gleam in my eye for genuine enthusiasm!
And then the videos. They cannot ever get sued, not if you looked through the videos shot by shot with a microscope, you cannot find one damned politically incorrect shred of an image. Every shot had one Caucasian, one African American, one Far Eastern, one Asian, one Hispanic, one VERY conspicuous Indian . EVERY-SHOT. Constructing the previous sentence took me a while! Imagine HOURS worth of videos! phew!
Also, it doesn't take a dumass to realise that all those zoomed in faces with those huuuuge happy billion dollar smiles are NOT employees. Yes, they're wearing your colours and your uniforms, but come ON. I'm not buying this every employee is happy with us every single day nonsense!!
While we're on the videos, the background music gets a thousand points! Apprently they're supposed to make you feel good and believe in the "inclusive" culture of the great big brand we are "soooo LUCKY" to be a part of. (I don't know if they have some brainwashing stuff beneath all the music, I vaguely remember something like that happening in some random chick flick. Then there'd be zombies all around campus, everyday, beaming like those people in the videos while they walk around and while they work, smile ALWAYS in place). They totally achieved what they wanted...because next to me Red Salwar and Pink-Blue-Yellow Salwar just ERUPTED. I mean, really, jumped up and started clapping! Those hidden cameras they were talking about, if they'd captured my movements when the twin-salwar-volcanoes erupted, I would've looked like someone dropped a bomb next to me.
I don't have an impressive resume, au contraire. But one thing that i noticed is how HARD they try! I mean, they'd put the average college-lover-boy to shame with all that trying!! They go out of the way to tell you how they're the absolute BEST at what they do, give you a headache with the awards they've won, how you can grow and grow, and (God!!) how LUCKY you are, oversell the brand name, spew out meaningless jargon at the rate of ten a minute. What I find even more surprising than this shameless over-selling, is how easily everybody around me lapped it up! Clapping, laughing at un-funny nonsense, answering as though they're giving away millions to the one that answers first about what the current share price is, and looking so...SOLD.
Oh yes, well, what AM i doing there then?? Well SOMEBODY has to make these observations. You know, so there are different opinions floating around on the blogosphere and all that jazz. It doesn't hurt that I'm making some money on the way!
