I am not the most articulate person. I lack a brain to mouth filter and most times it takes me a while to realise that the flurry of thoughts in my brain and what has spewed out of my mouth in a hurry to explain those thoughts before I lose them, means that I have not said what I meant to say, and you have not understood what was in my brain.
Add to that fact that I am a Feminist. (Yes, I am. I don't burn bras, at least not yet. I do not think men should be burned at the stake. I do not think women are better than men - I do not think anybody is better than anyone else.)
Add to that the fact that we do not live under the same roof any more.
Add to that a huge generation gap that makes it exponentially tougher because it is the age of the internet.
What you get is my complete inability to help you understand why I am a Feminist, and why I need to be one.
And therefore, I hope that I can articulate it better as I write.
You do not understand my need for feminism because you live in a house where the need for it has been non existent. You learned to cook, same as me because it was a life skill, and not because of a gender role (and I will admit your Dosas turn out far better than mine, just this once). You were expected to learn to clean, sweep, clear up after a meal, same as me because it was a life skill, and not because they were tasks assigned by gender. You grew up in a home where your mother went to work, same as your father, and your father knew how to cook, same as your mother.
You still are in a home where Amma stays up worrying whether it is you, or your sisters, who are out late at night. She does not worry more, or less for you and us, she worries the same.
But I got out of that house, willingly, and for reasons I then believed in. And once I was out of that environment, what was a small voice at the back of my brain, always shut down, always drowned out in the noises of work, and friends, and fun, and worries, finally made it to the forefront and demanded my attention. It was not a demand I conceded to easily, but it got to me in the end.
I paid attention to the voices around me that were condescendingly saying "she may not come back to work, she is getting married". I paid attention to the people saying I got lucky (the man I married was never lucky to have married me). I paid attention to the subtle things that I missed before because I lived in a home that did not allow me to think that way - you did not do something, or did not get out of something, simply because you are a girl.
Oh, the things I heard! Here is one person in particular, every single day a new gem :
"She cannot go to X-City! She is a girl!"
"Oh my God the women here drink more than the men!"
"She went to X-Country with her friends and without her husband"
The very same person wanted a wife that was employed, and can cook, and was fair and beautiful, and would be his version of a good wife, without ever questioning his skills, his looks, always implying he qualified simply because he is a man. I am glad the person in question is still single. Thank God for small mercies.
As the voices got louder, I began reading more. And I began reading Adichie. She made me think - put the book aside after a few pages and actually think about was she had written, before I could pick the book up again. She may have been talking about race, about colour, about things nobody wants to talk about or admit they even think about, but it was a resounding - "yes, yes, that is what it is" in my head. It was fantastic! Here was somebody asking me questions I was scared to ask myself, and nudging me and prodding me to think, think, think.
You need to understand that the minute you identify yourself as a Feminist you are casting yourself into a mould that is already lodged deep and etched vividly in people's minds. You are a violent, loud, irrationally angry person with possible lesbian tendencies - it is unfair on straight and lesbian women to assume that a lesbian is automatically a feminist - who is out to get men and does not appreciate the benefits of being a woman and is unnecessarily creating a hue and cry over nothing.
I finally got to a point where I admitted there is a problem. And I thought it was worth being a Feminist despite that ugly mould in people's minds about what being a Feminist means. As much as it took me a while to get there and acknowledge it and get over the fear of that judgement, I do identify myself as a Feminist. I am a lot of other things, but I am also a Feminist.
And so I was vocal. I did not scream (you have to trust me on this one), I did not shout, but only politely asked a question, or gave my opinion.
"Did you ask the girl in question if she can travel alone?"
"But I do not have to move because my husband wants to?"
"Why don't you learn to cook so you can help your future wife?"
"Why don't you consider moving instead of your fiancee?"
"I have been wanting to go on a solo trip - yes that means without my husband".
Here is what I was tagged - Aggressive.
And here is something to think about - when you are older and can make the above statements in a relevant conversation, make them. There is a good chance that you will be tagged - Progressive.
I will not pretend to believe that I can change people, I do not want to. But I want to be able to do what Adichie did - make people think. I do not have the ability, nor do I want to get people to understand, but I would love the ability to help people think about what they are saying and why. I am trying to make my peace with the fact that most people will not think, will not change, will always laugh at Feminists and Feminism, and that is okay.
I will not pretend that I am right, that I know everything, that all feminists are always right. That would be pretentious and stupid. I am still reading, I am still learning, and I admit I could be wrong about a lot of things. But here are some things I am not wrong about because they have all been deeply personal experiences (and also because I will never let go of the chance to write something in bullet points). How the world is so different for you and I, who grew up in the same home, who have had the same upbringing, but the world is a different place to me than it is for you because you are a boy and I am a girl.
- You do not have to think about where you are wearing shorts to, if it's safe, what your safest mode of transport is when you wear shorts. I do. You wear shorts in the summer like you wear jackets in the winter. I don't.
- You do not worry about how anything clothing above the knee can be seen as an invitation to flirt. I do.
- You do not hear catcalls when you walk alone on the beach. I do.
- You do not hear "hey" a few times followed by "Too much attitude to talk? Bitch". I do.
- Whenever it is that you get married, if you do, you will never be penalised for not overtly displaying that fact by wearing a chain around your neck and rings on your toes. I am. You will not be judged and told you are trying to "appear single to attract attention". I am.
- When you take solo trips, nobody will ever ask you how your girlfriend or wife "allowed that" and not tell you how lucky you are. I am asked, and told those things.
- When you get promoted or move up in your career you will never be told you did that "despite being a man". But I am told that I did well despite being a "married woman".
- Your major life decisions like deciding to get married, will not make you worry about how it affects your promotion and how you are perceived at the workplace. Mine did.
- Your boss will never ask you over and over "are you pregnant?" out of a deep worry that you may not be able to travel. Mine did.
I can go on, but I will stop.
You do not see the need for feminism because you have never experienced these things, and you never will. You may not even fully comprehend it because these are things that happen to someone else. I do not expect you to wake up one day, suddenly aware of what these things feel like, or change yourself and the world around you. But acknowledging that these things do happen, everyday, many times in the same day, is a big first step.
I do not want to change you, I want you to Think.
Add to that fact that I am a Feminist. (Yes, I am. I don't burn bras, at least not yet. I do not think men should be burned at the stake. I do not think women are better than men - I do not think anybody is better than anyone else.)
Add to that the fact that we do not live under the same roof any more.
Add to that a huge generation gap that makes it exponentially tougher because it is the age of the internet.
What you get is my complete inability to help you understand why I am a Feminist, and why I need to be one.
And therefore, I hope that I can articulate it better as I write.
You do not understand my need for feminism because you live in a house where the need for it has been non existent. You learned to cook, same as me because it was a life skill, and not because of a gender role (and I will admit your Dosas turn out far better than mine, just this once). You were expected to learn to clean, sweep, clear up after a meal, same as me because it was a life skill, and not because they were tasks assigned by gender. You grew up in a home where your mother went to work, same as your father, and your father knew how to cook, same as your mother.
You still are in a home where Amma stays up worrying whether it is you, or your sisters, who are out late at night. She does not worry more, or less for you and us, she worries the same.
But I got out of that house, willingly, and for reasons I then believed in. And once I was out of that environment, what was a small voice at the back of my brain, always shut down, always drowned out in the noises of work, and friends, and fun, and worries, finally made it to the forefront and demanded my attention. It was not a demand I conceded to easily, but it got to me in the end.
I paid attention to the voices around me that were condescendingly saying "she may not come back to work, she is getting married". I paid attention to the people saying I got lucky (the man I married was never lucky to have married me). I paid attention to the subtle things that I missed before because I lived in a home that did not allow me to think that way - you did not do something, or did not get out of something, simply because you are a girl.
Oh, the things I heard! Here is one person in particular, every single day a new gem :
"She cannot go to X-City! She is a girl!"
"Oh my God the women here drink more than the men!"
"She went to X-Country with her friends and without her husband"
The very same person wanted a wife that was employed, and can cook, and was fair and beautiful, and would be his version of a good wife, without ever questioning his skills, his looks, always implying he qualified simply because he is a man. I am glad the person in question is still single. Thank God for small mercies.
As the voices got louder, I began reading more. And I began reading Adichie. She made me think - put the book aside after a few pages and actually think about was she had written, before I could pick the book up again. She may have been talking about race, about colour, about things nobody wants to talk about or admit they even think about, but it was a resounding - "yes, yes, that is what it is" in my head. It was fantastic! Here was somebody asking me questions I was scared to ask myself, and nudging me and prodding me to think, think, think.
You need to understand that the minute you identify yourself as a Feminist you are casting yourself into a mould that is already lodged deep and etched vividly in people's minds. You are a violent, loud, irrationally angry person with possible lesbian tendencies - it is unfair on straight and lesbian women to assume that a lesbian is automatically a feminist - who is out to get men and does not appreciate the benefits of being a woman and is unnecessarily creating a hue and cry over nothing.
I finally got to a point where I admitted there is a problem. And I thought it was worth being a Feminist despite that ugly mould in people's minds about what being a Feminist means. As much as it took me a while to get there and acknowledge it and get over the fear of that judgement, I do identify myself as a Feminist. I am a lot of other things, but I am also a Feminist.
And so I was vocal. I did not scream (you have to trust me on this one), I did not shout, but only politely asked a question, or gave my opinion.
"Did you ask the girl in question if she can travel alone?"
"But I do not have to move because my husband wants to?"
"Why don't you learn to cook so you can help your future wife?"
"Why don't you consider moving instead of your fiancee?"
"I have been wanting to go on a solo trip - yes that means without my husband".
Here is what I was tagged - Aggressive.
And here is something to think about - when you are older and can make the above statements in a relevant conversation, make them. There is a good chance that you will be tagged - Progressive.
I will not pretend to believe that I can change people, I do not want to. But I want to be able to do what Adichie did - make people think. I do not have the ability, nor do I want to get people to understand, but I would love the ability to help people think about what they are saying and why. I am trying to make my peace with the fact that most people will not think, will not change, will always laugh at Feminists and Feminism, and that is okay.
I will not pretend that I am right, that I know everything, that all feminists are always right. That would be pretentious and stupid. I am still reading, I am still learning, and I admit I could be wrong about a lot of things. But here are some things I am not wrong about because they have all been deeply personal experiences (and also because I will never let go of the chance to write something in bullet points). How the world is so different for you and I, who grew up in the same home, who have had the same upbringing, but the world is a different place to me than it is for you because you are a boy and I am a girl.
- You do not have to think about where you are wearing shorts to, if it's safe, what your safest mode of transport is when you wear shorts. I do. You wear shorts in the summer like you wear jackets in the winter. I don't.
- You do not worry about how anything clothing above the knee can be seen as an invitation to flirt. I do.
- You do not hear catcalls when you walk alone on the beach. I do.
- You do not hear "hey" a few times followed by "Too much attitude to talk? Bitch". I do.
- Whenever it is that you get married, if you do, you will never be penalised for not overtly displaying that fact by wearing a chain around your neck and rings on your toes. I am. You will not be judged and told you are trying to "appear single to attract attention". I am.
- When you take solo trips, nobody will ever ask you how your girlfriend or wife "allowed that" and not tell you how lucky you are. I am asked, and told those things.
- When you get promoted or move up in your career you will never be told you did that "despite being a man". But I am told that I did well despite being a "married woman".
- Your major life decisions like deciding to get married, will not make you worry about how it affects your promotion and how you are perceived at the workplace. Mine did.
- Your boss will never ask you over and over "are you pregnant?" out of a deep worry that you may not be able to travel. Mine did.
I can go on, but I will stop.
You do not see the need for feminism because you have never experienced these things, and you never will. You may not even fully comprehend it because these are things that happen to someone else. I do not expect you to wake up one day, suddenly aware of what these things feel like, or change yourself and the world around you. But acknowledging that these things do happen, everyday, many times in the same day, is a big first step.
I do not want to change you, I want you to Think.
